A Funkaoshi Production

I Love Degrassi

   10 February 2012, lunch time

The entire series, 140 characters at a time.

I rewatched the entire (original) Dergrassi series a few years ago with Shima. The released a few DVD collections that I knew I must own. The show still holds up today. While watching the shows I would craft 140 character reviews/summaries to post to Twitter. Here they are, collected. You’ll know you’re a true Degrassi fan if they make some sense.

Degrassi High

Season 1

• Damn it Steph the boys are only voting for you because you skanked out. They don’t respect you. You sold out Voula for Joey!? #degrassi
• Oh Voula and your stereotypical vaguely ethnic immigrant father. He’s only strict because he loves you. You’re to young to do the dancing.
• Yick you idiot. Why would you plagiarize an essay to prove you aren’t a dumbass. How will this not backfire? … And it did. #degrassi
• Caitlin, the bad jokes aren’t going to erase the deep scars of child abuse. Rick needs real help — no Rick don’t give Joey that coke!
• Jason you should have just made the announcement. How are you going to beat the girls swim team? Swiming is what they do. #degrassi
• Caitlin, wait to be subtle with the whole, “don’t touch me.” Who can resist Ms. Avery’s long black hair? She could turn me into a lesbian.
• Melanie I commend your red sheep shirt. I imagine Wheels face will be that colour when he meets Steph’s mom, the lady who sold him condoms.
• LD go see your dad before it’s too late! I can understand wanting to avoid St. Mike’s. What kind of school doesn’t lock their boiler room?
• Steph, why would you get in the creepy soap star’s car? How could you possibly get dumber? Why don’t you just shop lift like Lucy? Steph!?
• Caitlin, Rick’s dad can’t buy an air purifier. I can’t wait till Kathleen ends up anorexic, she’s so annoying. Why is anyone on her committee?
• 2 hour pregnancy tests? Life was hard in the 80s. Spike why are you listening to Shane? An abortion will prevent a lame degrasi spinoff.
• Wheels, he’s not a pervert, he’s your dad. Your flakey rock star dad.
• Steph your skanky ways are going to backfire. This grade 7 uprising could get ugly. And it did. Hopefully you learnt a valuable lesson.

Season 2

• Damn these kids grew over the break. Who is this lady that dresses like Voula but looks like Steph. NoOoOo EGGBERT!
• I think the pervert teacher disappeared Voula. Who moves in the middle of the term? Poor girl never got to dance. Lucy, watch yoursef.
• They replaced Voula with ambiguously skanky Liz. Joey you know you aren’t getting any. I guess it’s back to wet dreams for you.
• Melanie, even Kathleen the biggest jerk in Degrassi thinks punking Yick is a bad idea. Shane, no one is giving you a baby. Ackward!
• Take your damn seizure pills women. “Looks like epilepsy! My aunt has it!” Well, thats convenient. A speech about giving a speech: meta.
• Duane you didn’t wash your hands. You’re going to punch joey with those fists? Listen to Scooter, Degrassi’s voice of reason.
• Kathleen I don’t think your drunk-ass mom is going to bring your sweater. She might beat you though. Why do hipsters dress like Caitlin?
• Erica you caught mono from that man skank. He popped Heather’s French Kiss cherry too! You can’t get that back. Tonsillitis? What a twist.
• Dressing like Voula is a sign of depression. Lets put the dog in the boiler room! Remember when you could jump off the viaduct?
• Caitlin maybe you should write about sunshine girls instead of pregnant girls. You can’t mess that story up. Rock those shoulder pads!
• Snake you know your idiot friends are going to fuck something up. Should have shut up about your house. For godsake, put some pants on.
• Mr. Colby, you’re so dreamy in a pervy sort of way. Do you have pants on under that trench coat? Suzie let Mr. Colby show you what to do.
• Joey don’t worry: you’ll meet a grade 7 you’ll have an epic relationship with. Why are the degrasi dances so lame? Mr. Raditch DJing?

Season 3

• Scooter’s found a boyfriend, who I think disappeared Steph. He acts like a sociopath. Wheels, when has listening to Joey ever worked out?
• Lucy wait to rock that Micheal Jackson jacket and sell out LD at the same time. Wheels and Joey reconcile! It just took a beat down.
• Snake could you be a bigger douche bag? Oh, here comes Kathleen to put things in perspective. Lucy might out do them all! Party Déjà Vu.
• Yick is acting like a dick, and now it’s flashbck time. The girl in the wheel chair is also Jewish? Gotta love that Degrasi diversity.
• Caitlin forget about Joey. He’s not that dreamy, and he’s still interested in Liz (who should know better). You can do better. (Me! Me!)
• 93.5 used to be CRA-Z. Joey they’ll want your tape as much as flow would. Snake you need to work on your gaydar and stop being a jerk.
• Caitlin’s not a prep, she just cares. How long before this cause blows up in her face? And here we go. Getting told by Kathleen: dis.
• There’s no was this twin switcheroo date is going to backfire, especially since everyone can tell you two apart and Clutch likes Lucy.
• Kathleen, anorexia is the least of your problems. Melanie found your creepy diary: wait a be Type-A with your eating disorder.
• Melanie don’t you think it’s weird your mom has American money? Caitlin he doesn’t care about the money, he cares about you! Smooth Joey!
• I don’t think tracking down your loser birth dad will fix anything. Who stops to pick up hitchhiking dudes? Well besides perverts.
• Luke you did so much acid you failed a grade 8 mid-term. It seems Shane did what Steph wouldn’t do. Wheels your grandparents love you!
• Arthur your dad has needs you can’t satisfy. Melanie you can’t lose snake to some extra. Kathleen with the hookup! Snake don’t blow it.
• Spike, maybe you should comb your hair before your interview. Michelle you should’ve mentioned BLT was coloured to your racist parents.
• The fastest way to a lady’s heart is to show up to her place loaded and try to molest her. And Paul, you drove clutch to your exes? What?
• Why the fuck do they never lock the boiler room? And now the school burned down. I’ll never get to slow dance with Caitlin in the 80s!

Degrassi High

Season 1

• What did they do to the theme song? Erica did you learn nothing from the pregnant lady in your Jr. High? Heather, “killing centres”? Really?
• Creepy abortion protesters: I think you need better tactics. Heather listen to Spike. She’s clearly wise beyond her years.
• Caitlin you need higher standards. Maybe you can date Michelle’s dad. He won’t ask you to take part in a sexist music video.
• Arthur you idiot, how is helping Caitlin cheat on Joey with Claude helping you? You need to be direct like Kathleen and end up with a hobo.
• Erica why are you pulling her hair? Punch! Joey losing Caitlin to Claude is pretty embarrassing. This music video might win her back.
• Kathleen you’re a magnet for abusive people. “sorry – I love you” are cards you don’t want to be getting. You can’t change that psycho.
• Heather can’t resist Wheel’s tight jeans. Moral of the story: only make out with people you are willing to marry. Hello @shimo!
• Who is this lying bizarro Voula who smokes? I miss the old one. House of Lancaster! Blansdowne ladies of the night never look that good.
• Michelle, obviously he means someone White. $250 a month for this room? Maybe the 80s weren’t so bad. Well, except for all the racists.
• Donut Express is picky about past work experience. Alexa gets some perspective. How did Kathleen scam her way into this rap group?
• Claude is apparently as clueless with clauses at Caitlin. Now he’s pouting. And now he’s running like a bitch. What a sissy revolutionary.
• Scooter finally dances with Bart! How many layers of clothes do Amy and Alison have on? Heather walks in on Erica making out, again.
• Dropping out to deliver pizza: maybe you are an idiot Joey. Caitlin just beat Claude’s punk ass. Is there a Depeche Mode song about that?
• This feminist horror film is so derivative. Lucy should have cast Shane: different kind of scary. They’re laughing at Lucy’s master piece!
• Michelle pulls a Jesse Spano. These caffeine pills are made out of PCP. Miss Avery, why are you arguing with Caitlin. She’s always wrong.

Season 2

• Condom machines and class discussions on AIDS. This doesn’t bode well for a kid at Degrassi. Just saw Joey’s butt: cutting edge television.
• Duane 1, Condom Machine 0. BLT 1, Michelle 0. No wait, Michelle 1, BLT 0. Joey 1, Duane 0. Bet Joey feels like a real jerk, though.
• Simon is too stupid to keep this concert a secret. Ah yes, here he is wearing the concert t-shirt. Caitlin it’s your cheating dad!
• Caitlin your mom knows! Did Tessa kill Scooter so she can date Joey? Wheels, lying to your grandmother is cold. Joey is the voice of reason?!
• I remember this episode when it was about swimming and bras. A dude with lines. I wonder if Lucy will end up with him? Yes.
• Liz, missing the Pogues because you were abused as a child? Forget about that when you went out with Spike’s ex? Alex busts a move!
• Scooter and Bart aren’t dead! Pot will make you crazy and you will lose your friends. If you’re friend is Kathleen, that’s a win.
• People actually balance their cheque books? Damn, Wheel’s can lie. And overstay a welcome. Two skills you need to become a hobo.
• Caitlin they are staying together! Did L.D. die and Lucy is coping by making videos for no one? Bronco don’t tell her, she can’t shut up.
• Claude grew a real beard—almost. The poem was a cry for help! Post-show wrap up: Thanks for letting us know he didn’t really kill himself.
• Tessa is so dumping Alex for that punk ass Yick. That lacrosse game was probably pretty violent. Poor Spike, she just wants to dance.
• Joanne’s such an AIDS pamphlet. Degrassi needs a better formal committee. Duane dancing! Joey & Caitlin together! As Tears Go By! … and scene.

School’s Out

• Tessa’s on the prowl and she’s totally ready. Joey you’re such a dog. Caitlin’s going to wish Joey a happy birthday, if you catch my drift.
• She’s crying: Joey is that good/bad. … “You were fucking Tessa Campinelli?” “It just happened.” I don’t think that’s going to fly, Joey.
• Guess the car wasn’t your ticket to freedom. Lucy is blind? The irony! Hopefully they redo the show and tie up this scorched earth ending.

Television | Toronto